A uniform so small

I packed and repacked Oscar’s bag this morning; two changes of clothes, his sippy cup, a small pot of sudocrem, a sun cap and his favourite teddy, ‘Scarlet Bear’.


I was only leaving him for an hour.  I’ve left him for runs lasting longer than an hour, and there was that time when I traveled down to Wales for the weekend to take part in a marathon last month.

But all of those times he stayed with my husband.  Oscar’s Daddy, who has the same values as me and who has the same investment in the small little person we both could no longer imagine our lives without.

This time was different.  Today was the first time I left Oscar at nursery, with strangers I would currently barely recognise in the street.

It wasn’t like he was going in for a full day or anything and he’s actually been in to the nursery twice before.  Once, months ago when we went to have a look round during the initial hunt for a childcare place on my return to work.  And once on Monday, where I stayed by his side for the duration, interacting with both Oscar and the surrounding toys whilst filling out the paperwork required for his start.

Oscar has stayed with both sets of Grandparents briefly before.  Each set has had him for one evening over the past few months, with varying levels of success.  Oscar ate whilst we left him, he slept, he cried.  Both times he was doing just fine when Dan and I returned home from our evening out, and (to my knowledge) the Grandparents had followed our routine and instructions, their sole focus for the time he was there on the smallest and newest member of their family.  He wasn’t one of three small people of toddling age who they had to divide their attention between.

I know that I am not the only person ever to put their child in a nursery setting, and I definitely won’t be the only person left feeling like this.  I know that it is only seven working weeks until I leave my job, and that I am incredibly lucky that from the end of July I will be able to spend my days bringing Oscar up and sharing the world with him.  But at the same time, seven weeks feels like the longest time.

So much can change in seven weeks.  This week alone for the first time Oscar has chewed his toes, rolled over, waved, said “Dadda” and gotten his very first tooth.  I would like for his first solo steps and first crawl to be when I am around to witness and it pains me that I possibly won’t be.

So, next week as Oscar heads in for his final two taster mornings I will plaster on my brave face.  I’ll dress Oscar in his dark green, teeny, tiny uniform and give him a kiss as I leave him at the door.  I will be wishing with all my heart for him to enjoy his morning at nursery, but at the same time secretly hope that he is also missing me and that he is also counting down the days until the Summer arrives.

58 days and counting…


A return to work

Oscar is asleep.  It took plenty of rocking and a bit of boob, but he’s actually sound asleep snoring on my bed in the room next to me as I type.

The house is in disarray; the landing is currently housing Oscar’s changing mat along with a slightly damp towel and the bathroom has his large clunky baby bath filled to the brim with still-warm water, some coloured plastic balls and a yellow watering can.  Downstairs, toys lay strewn across a large playmat in the lounge and Oscar’s half-eaten toast breakfast lays abandoned across the tray of his high chair (and also the floor).

Yet, I am choosing to ignore all of the chaos in my house right now and hole myself away in the office with a sugary snack, large glass of water and my computer so that I may write, as I feel I’ve not had the chance to do so for a while.

As I glance outside of the office window I can see a young Mum sporting a fag, mindlessly kicking a ball around the grass fronting our street, whilst a toddler jogs behind, gripping tightly onto a large Pooh bear.  She doesn’t appear to be paying him much attention, but it’s hard to know the full story looking in from the outside.

I hope that I never appear to ignore Oscar, or become too busy to give him my time and attention.

Since last writing I have handed in my notice at my job.  As a high school teacher I would often be working long past midnight in the evenings, and with an early alarm set for 4am – sometimes even earlier – during coursework submission months.  Running is my love and my escape, but at times even that didn’t make it high up the priority list for the week, leaving me constantly feeling tired and run down and not enjoying life.

Having a baby is so much more work than I ever imagined.  (I admit I was rather naive and blasé about it all!)  I cannot imagine trying to fit a seven, eight or nine month old baby into the crazy routine that had become my life.  Maybe a little selfishly, I want to see Oscar grow up myself, – not have him brought up by somebody else.  As it is, I will be returning to work for the final half term of the year (June-July) and fear that the first time that he crawls and his first steps are going to fall during those weeks.  He’s already pulling himself up using chairs and is never happier than when he has hold of a pair of hands helping him walk around the lounge.

He turns seven months old tomorrow.  I almost missed this milestone as in my head he is still that tiny little baby who weighed less than 7lbs and who I had to feed every two hours.  Sleep deprivation is incredibly difficult, but it does get easier – your body somehow manages to cope with less and less sleep each night.  I joked to Dan the other day that I couldn’t wait for Oscar to become a teenager so that I may enjoy a few lye-ins (something I very rarely had even before Oscar was born).  Dan quickly told me that I shouldn’t wish the time away.  I absolutely do not want to start doing that!

I’m loving spending my days with him at the moment.  Almost-seven-months is a lovely age.  He’s so interactive and cheeky and fun to be with right now.  We have a great little routine going and even though Dan has ended up working more hours in a week than we initially anticipated, we do manage to juggle all of the weekly household tasks alongside Oscar-duty between us.  I feel at the moment we are managing to make a go somewhat of adult life.

Oscar can sit up confidently on his own now, but he always wants to stand.  We bought him a walker-which he adores, but he adores it more if you interact with him whilst he’s in it, paying him lots of attention.  That’s what my days tend to consist of lately; a mad rush first thing to shower, breakfast, wash up, get the washing on and make Dan’s packed lunch whilst he is still around to watch Oscar.  Then comes a day of swimming lessons, or stay and play group, or a run in the buggy and lots of play time, before (hopefully) an afternoon nap when I can start on tea, which Oscar now has with us.  8pm is his bedtime, and he then usually has a solid eight hours of sleep before a brief wake to feed and then heads back to bed again.  I can’t get him down to sleep the way that Dan can, so bed-duty is currently down to Daddy.  It’s nice that Dan has a needed role in all this parenting malarkey.  So often I think the Dads can be forgotten about.

We’re muddling through at the moment.  Does anyone ever feel like they honestly really know what they are doing?  Somebody (a non-parent) asked Dan and I the other day if it felt ‘real’ yet.  There are days when it doesn’t.  Oscar is always the first thought on my mind when I wake up and every decision I make during every single day of the week has to bear Oscar in mind, but I still feel like we are just ‘muddling through’ and hope that one day perhaps we will truly know what we are supposed to do as parents.

The decision not to return to work was in some ways a big one.  I have always wanted to stay home during the time any children I may have were small, but obviously career path and money become factors in the reality of this.  I’ve always worked hard since I was a teenager, – often holding down more than one job at once – and partly because of this we own a large proportion of our house.  Just after Christmas Dan accepted a new job working in the technical side of a large law firm.  The job meant that he would be closer to home and earning more money.  We no longer needed to have a second full time income to survive.  An income of which most would likely have to go straight into childcare costs if I was to return to work.  I spent some time researching costs and money making ideas to discover that I could likely bring in enough money on the side working from home to cover our rainy day fund and so an idea began to grow.

It didn’t help that back in February I was offered a long-awaited promotion, meaning a higher salary and more responsibility.  It was tough to turn down, but I know that long term it will be better for both Oscar, and Dan and I as parents – our entire little family.

A couple of weeks ago at a BBQ get-together, having just announced that I had handed in my notice to finish work at the end of the Summer, one of Dan’s friends responded with “So are you just going to live off of Dan’s money now then?”

This question really got my back up.

When Oscar starts nursery in June, we will be paying £890 a month for the privilege.  Not only does that mean I will never see a large chunk of my salary each month, but I will not have any time to do the things that I want to do.  My life will consist of getting Oscar round in the morning, bundling him off to nursery, working all day, collecting him in the evening, cooking tea, cleaning and clearing, washing and tidying (all inbetween keeping Oscar entertained) until Oscar’s bedtime when I would be able to sit at the computer and plan and mark until the early hours of the following morning, hoping that Oscar would sleep through the night and I might just get enough sleep to let me get through the following day.  He wants my attention during all his waking hours.  At the moment, he is not old enough to be left to entertain himself and all those ‘free’ hours I thought I would be able to dedicate to house renovations and blogging during the day seem to pass me by as I stack brightly coloured cups for Oscar to knock down over and over again, and over-enthusiastically smile, praise and make chewing motions for the tenth time as he turns his nose up at a slice of courgette.

If Oscar was ill, the guilt I would feel for having to take time off from work – letting others down – would be high.  I would miss all of his milestone moments and not truly enjoy my time with him as I would always be waiting for his bedtime, and the time that I knew that I would be able to get on with my never ending to-do-list.  I know that I would feel constantly stressed, rushed off my feet and unable to do anything to the best of my ability.

No time for running, no time for blogging, or walking or taking photos, or volunteering on the running club committee, or social media or watching TV boxsets with a tub of Ben & Jerrys or just hanging out on the sofa with my husband because we didn’t fancy going out.  Life would just become looking after my child, housework and teaching.  I want to be more than that.  I need to be more than that.

A friend recently commented that they would have to return to work when they had children as they would not be able to afford to stay home with a child.  It is what you make it though.  Dan and I don’t want for fast cars and expensive holidays.  Everything we have (bar our house) is paid in full and we saved up to buy those things.  We don’t need money.  We don’t need anything.  Just enough to pay the bills each month and we will get by.

I know that having children was our decision and something that I wanted to do and I absolutely want to bring Oscar (and any future children) up in a loving, safe home.  One where Dan and I have time to spend with our children and can watch them learn and grow.  A home where our children learn to bake, play football and have fun with arts and crafts.  Not one where they watch three hours of TV before bed because I don’t have time for them as I have 100 year 9 reports due by the end of the week and I need to finish writing a new Scheme of Work for year 12 before my head touches the pillow.

My Head of Department summed up how I was feeling when I handed in my notice…

“I know that you won’t have made this decision lightly.  I also know that you couldn’t possibly be just an ‘OK’ teacher and just an ‘OK’ Mum, so it’s about priorities.  It’s so important to be happy in life Mary.”

I’ve actually already been offered a couple of roles that I can complete from home since handing my notice in (marking for an exam board and moderating coursework for my current school) and have a few ideas on how to make the odd tenner here and there alongside my new full-time role as parent.

I know that ultimately I have made the right decision for our little family so let our adventures as a family of three begin…


Welcome Oscar Daniel!

He’s here!

He has been for a while actually.  I just checked and Oscar Daniel has been here for a grand total of 175 days now.  Man, in some ways that time went by so quickly.  But in other ways it feels like he has always been around.


It’s now March and Oscar was born on Tuesday 27th September 2016.  He weighed 6lbs 13oz and arrived at 12:48pm, but if you want to read his full birth story, you can see that on my healthy living blog A Healthier Moo.  He ended up arriving via a planned Caesarean as he was still breech at 39 weeks.  Not the birth I had planned, but from talking to other new Mums, it seems no baby sticks to a birth plan! 😉

After some struggles in the early days with his weight (Oscar didn’t reach 7lbs for several weeks) he has been truly thriving these past few months and showing us his lovely little personality at every opportunity!

At nearly 6 months old now he sleeps through the night (usually), loves his swimming lessons, is very much in 3-6m clothing and his favourite things to do are currently sticking his tongue out and touching his toes.

He’s booked in to start nursery at the beginning of June when I return to work.  Currently I intend on returning to work for 7 weeks, – the final half term before the end of the academic year.  I’m struggling with letting someone look after Oscar from 7:30am-6:15pm five days a week for those seven weeks, and can’t imagine having to place him into childcare permanently during the working week.  With no family or friends in a similar situation living nearby though, it is the only option available to us.

I say that we are very fortunate to be able to get by on just my Husband’s salary, but we have worked hard to be in this position, having both lived well within our means for several years before deciding to start a family and first owning a large proportion of our house.  I would like us to be comfortable though, and intend on focusing some of my efforts on bringing in some extra income whilst I am at home taking care of Oscar.

Something else I would like to look into whilst I am not out at ‘work’ is adopting a more minimalist lifestyle.  I am a hoarder, – always have been.  But hoarding so many things that I might need one day costs time and money.  I can never find those things I’ve hoarded away so often end up re-purchasing.  Clearing away and cleaning so many extra items always takes so much longer as well.  It’s such a time-sapper.  Hoarding is one of my biggest flaws (inherited from my Dad I’m sure!) and Oscar growing up to also mimic my hoarding is not something I want to see!

I’ve rambled enough now.  So, to sum it up – I see this blog mainly focusing on my life with Oscar – experiencing the world as a first time Mum and trying to make ends meet with the extra costs a child brings.  Feel free to follow my journey!

Hello world! (An intro)

So, I guess I should introduce myself in my first post on my new blog…

I’m Mary.  Thirty-one, a high school ICT teacher, addicted to running long distance, in love with my cat Bella…oh and nearly twenty-one weeks pregnant with my first child.


I’m probably not a typical first time Mum.  Although I love working with children, I don’t have much interest in babies at all.  They just don’t DO anything!  I’m not somebody to make funny noises or talk to a baby in the room and I definitely won’t be lining up to hold a baby that came from inside another human just hours earlier in the day.

I am under the impression that most mums-to-be have begun counting down the day until they get to meet their baby by this stage in their pregnancy.  Whereas, in my case, I’ve begun making detailed training plans ready for when I can start training properly again as I hope to be running my first 100 miler less than a year after giving birth.  I write all about my running adventures over on my running blog A Healthier Moo though.

Don’t get me wrong, I am very much looking forward to having children, and especially excited to start showing them things, taking them places and giving them plenty of ‘firsts’.  That’s the teacher in me coming out I guess, but I think I will enjoy it more when they are a little older and I can interact with them a little easier rather than when they are just a crying, pooping machine in the early days.

12 week Baby scan picture

The actual birth itself doesn’t worry me, other than if I were to have a caesarean.  That means more time away from doing things (including running) and losing some of my independence.  I’m a very independent person.

I’m not too worried about the weight gain, breast growth and all the other physical changes I thought would concern me when it came to being pregnant back when I was a teenager.  My actual concerns are the inability to do anything meaningful for several months, the possibility of random people wanting to touch my stomach, friends and strangers thinking I just want to talk baby and losing who I am.  One of my friends said to me a couple of years ago “I never introduce myself as Harrison’s Mum, always as Carley”, as she didn’t want to ‘just’ be someone’s Mum and I completely understand where she was coming from.

I do really want to have children, but I don’t want to just be ****’s Mum and talk Mum things and do Mum things and wear Mum clothes.  I still want to be Mary and enjoy the things that I enjoy doing, just to also be able to share them with my mini-me too!

So, if you feel like following me along on my (very honest!) pregnancy journey, then please feel free to follow me on Bloglovin’ or Twitter.  Things are still very new around here, but expect some site personalisation to appear soon.